New York, New York

I have since recovered from our long trip to New York. We arrived on Tuesday July 13Th and from then on it was go go go! Going to NY always makes me feel refreshed and whole again. Living out here in Kansas I don't have a single family member, at times it can get very lonely. Especially when I see or hear of my friends always getting together with their families. It does however make me appreciate my Parents and sister so much more and to also cherish every moment we DO spend together.

We had a blast, we went to the children's museum, the rose gardens, spa day(my favorite), Lake Placid, had a huge BBQ. When it came time for the dreaded flight home I sulked all day. Wes saw how sad I was and went ahead and extended my trip by a whole week. What a husband!! The girls and I were able to spend 7 more days with my parents and sister. During that time we went to the horse races, the park, played in the pool, and spent many hours just enjoying one another. We plan on returning in December for my sisters College graduation so it wont be too long before I see them again. I will leave ya with some pics from our trip!!







And a little souvenir we took home with us...



More details to come in the following weeks!! We are thrilled!
*****disclosure***** we have not told all our family or friends yet, waiting for my first appt! So please no Facebook comments or anything else. I just had to tell my blogger buddies:-)

My baby is 3

It's so crazy how time seems to slip right out from under us! i remember being pregnant with Ava and it seeming like it would never end, then In the blink of an eye your there in the delivery room holding your precious baby! the days and weeks seem to go by in nano seconds when you have a newborn, you are constantly waiting for the millstones, the first smile, the first time they roll over,laughing, crawling, standing, walking. That first year is a blur, thank god for photos and video! Now here we are about to begin 3 yr old preschool. Ava seems very wise for her age, she speaks so well, and actually listens and understands emotion! I owe alot of her advancement to her big sister. Elise is always helping Ava with games, and answers her in their own "sister language". Ava is our more subdued, quiet one that seems to sit back and observe. But don't let her quiet disposition fool you, she can play just as hard if not harder than most! The two seem to compliment each other so well. Elise is very strong willed, independent, active, and great at solving problems. Ava is the thinker, the voice of reason, she also will ask for help when needed. The two of them are the perfect pair. Many people ask if they are twins, they are 19 mos apart and look so alike. Ava is almost as tall as her big sister, so I can see why people would think that. I especially get asked that at the grocery store when they are riding in the cart!
We had a great little party this past weekend, and Ava got a big girl bike, which unbenonced to her has a busted front tire, so we will have to return it when we get home form NY. We leave for NY tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited. After my miscarriage I have been craving a vacation. I want to be with my parents and sister, and surround myself with people that care about me! We are having a huge BBQ bash for Ava and basically a family reunion this Saturday. Family is coming form all over the east coast, so I am just totally excited! I cant wait to see everyone! The day we are supposed to return( 7-21)I will be 12 dpo which mean test time! I ovulated this past Saturday, right during Ava's party, go figure! so Hopefully we will have some good news to share soon. If not, onto next month, I have learned that it will happen when its supposed to and no matter how bad I obsess or how many tests I take its still all up to God. well, i better get to packing! I will leave ya with some pics of Ava's birthday!

Busy, busy, BUSY!

At this rate summer is going to zip right by us! It's already the end of June! So much going on, we have trips and birthdays, reunions, showers, weddings, parties, the list is endless! I finally joined a gym and quickly have become a gym rat! I love working out and better yet, the girls love the daycare center!! We go to the pool every afternoon and my girls are the brownest, blondest babes on the planet!! We are lovin life right now!! We have to start planning miss Ava's birthday party, I want to have it done before we head out to NY! We are
going to the annual Lenexa BBQ this weekend!! Always a good time. It's so fun running into old highschool friends and catching up! 4th of July we are spending with my girlfriend Candace. She lives on an awesome farm and we plan on camping and bonfires and fireworks, I can't wait!!! After the fourth is ava's bday, and the next week is NY! So much going on, but all of it is making this summer one to remember! I am also taking advantage in hoping that this will be the last summer without a new baby. Hopefully by this time next year we can have a new addition! But I have really put all my faith and trust into god to present us with that gift when he sees fit!! I am updating from my phone and of course it's about to die, so until next time... Enjoy your summer!! Xoxoxoxox

One month

It will be exactly one month tommorow since we had our loss. In all honesty it feels so much longer. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing or not. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days of despair and depression but I do believe my heart is healed. I don't understand why it happened and I never will, but it did happen and I've made my peace with that. I have a feeling my cycles are going to be racked out for a while and wes and I both agreed we would just relax and let things happen on their own. No more drugs, no more charting just good ole fashioned loving;)! We leave for NY in a few weeks and couldn't be more excited! I can't wait to spend time with my family, I sure need a dose of normalcy!

Summer luvin

Ahhh, Summer!!
BBQ's,fireflies,pool,late nights!! We had a rather rough winter and I believe it is making me appretiate this beautiful weather more than normal. Our summer schedual is simple, do housework before noon, eat lunch and then off to the pool! Not a bad life, huh?? The girls seems so grown up, they do so well at the pool and Elise has even mastered swimming under water! I love watching them splash and play in the blue water. I still can't help to think that I should be pregnant right now sitting by the pool. I have done a pretty good job of making peace with the whole experience but it still REALLY hurts! I do think that everything happened at the right time. I'm glad it's not winter and I'm locked up inside for months, I'm glad the sun has been shining, I'm glad I can watch my girls play and smile. We are continuing to try for a baby but not putting so much pressure on ourselves. I want to enjoy this time, who knows where we'll be this time next year! New house? New baby? Who knows, I do however know what we have now and I'm going to cherish every part of it!! So it seems I became a little side tracked with my thoughts!! Hope everyone has a fabulous summer, and remember to cherish every moment!

Therapy

It has been a week since our loss. I physically am back 100%, emotionally in on my way. I went through some episodes of depression last week, anger, and on the days I felt good I felt guilty for feeling that way. Everyone says they are surprised with how well I'm doing, those comments confuse me. Should I be more upset? Should I not be able to get out of bed? I don't want everyone to think that I have moved on and forgotten because I haven't! This week I would have been counting down to my first ob appt, now Friday will just be Friday. The house work is still a struggle, I just don't want to clean or do the laundry. The girls have been sleeping in random clothes for bed and I have stuck with the comfy sweats and fuzzy socks all week.

After 3 days of "take out" dinning I decided to take control. I gathered up a bunch of ingredients and got to work. 2 hours later I had dinner for the next 3 nights prepared! I was rather excited with my accomplishments and seeing Wes's expression when I told him I cooked was priceless. I made Chicken Divan( my childhood favorite) it's a creamy chicken and broccoli casserole served over rice. I made spinach and mushroom manicotti, and chicken,mole tamale casserole. It was so nice to be able to relax and bot have to worry about, what's for dinner?? Saturday opened up a whole new can of worms. I had experienced the tranquility of cooking and wanted to return to my "happy place"! I decided to go all in! We invited a friend over for dinner and I knew I had to impress.

Here is my menu:
Bruschetta with roasted tomato and garlic.
Field greens with bacon and goat cheese, citrus vinaigrette
Muscles Josephine( steamed muscles in a wine, tomato broth)
gnocchi with tomato vodka sauce

I knew it was a large endeavour but also knew that the bigger the task, the longer I had making it, therefore the better I would feel. I pour myself a big glass of Shiraz and got to work. I prepped all the east stuff, salad, bacon, onions, peeled potatoes...
Gnocchi would be the most time consuming so while the potatoes boiled I got everything else ready. Gnocchi are basically a potato dumplings. You mash potatoes and add egg, and flour. You then roll the dough into little strips and cut into half inch pieces. You then roll that dough down the back of a fork and plop into simmering water. They cook for about a minute and you remove and shock in ice water. I was covered in flour, but loving it! I made 2 pounds of the little boogers! They are very dense and filling so paired with the other dinner items it worked!! I tossed the gnocchi in a vodka sauce and they were amazing!! The girls just ate and ate!!
The muscles are a favorite of wes and I! We had them for the first time on our anniversary at the Bone Fish Grill. I went home and began trying to imitate the recipe, I do think I have just about got it. The muscles steam open in a tomato, red onion, garlic broth. The secret ingredient is Sambucca( anise flavored liquor). When the shells pop open the add there own broth to the pot. We always dunk crusty bread in the bottom of our bowls!! What a magnificent meal! Our friend was overly impressed and we all had a great time eating and laughing! I believe that I found my therapy! Do what makes you happy! I enjoy cooking, I especially enjoy seeing others enjoy my cooking! Happy cooking everybody!!

Rain

The rain had been steadily falling now for days. I am almost glad that the sun isn't shining and the birds aren't chirping. It makes me feel better that I can sit inside and curl up on the couch without feeling the guilt of not being out in the sunshine. I know I sound down and dark but that's where I'm at right now. It's been two days now since our loss and the physical pain has subsided but the emotional pain has now fully set in.

I spoke with my Dr today and let me just say, I am so blessed to have a Dr. that is so caring and empithetic to her paitents. My HCG count was low (200) and that was before I even passed everything so i am assuming they have fallen even more. I will go back next week for a follow up blood draw to see where my levels are at.

The emotional part of this is very deep. I have never in my life felt this low. I find myself crying for absoloutly no reason. I could be hanging my clothes up in my closet and just fall to my knees in tears. I am trying my best to put on my "mommy" face and go through our day with as much normalcy as possible. It's so hard to fix a peanut butter sandwhich when all I want to do is crawl into bed and cry. I have also found myself very aggitated. The tiniest things are setting me off. I realize that my hormones are playing a huge role in my highs and lows and I know that once they stabalize I will also. Many women have said that after hearing my story it brought them right back to they're "dark" day. This really made me understand that this is something that will never go away. I will be reminded of this in weeks, months, years down the road. This was my baby, a baby I would have loved. A baby my girls would have called there brother or sister. Nothing will replace this void in my heart. It will take time to get through this and I realize that even though I can't see the big picture right now, there is one! I just have to place my faith in God to get me through.

I have always loved the rain, but I have never loved it more than I have this week.