Flicker

I had my much awaited sono and appt on Friday, 13th. Good thing I am not superstitious. We sat in the waiting room, my feet were tapping in anticipation, I read 4 magazines without even looking at the words. When my name finally got called to come back, I felt a surge of panic. "What if there is no baby?" "What if there is but no heartbeat?" We walked back to the room, the same exact room where we were told our last baby was gone. She flipped off the lights and the exam began. I immediately saw a sac with something inside it. She quickly steered away from it and measured other things. NOTE: Don't do this to someone that is on the verge of a breakdown. She finally got back to the little sac and blob, and before she could even say it, I began crying. The little flicker was so obvious and beautiful. She let me watch with tear filled eyes for a good 2-3 minutes. It was heaven. I am only 7 weeks so the baby is not even distinguishable yet, so we still have some weeks ahead that we must get through. But seeing a heartbeat, and a strong one 134bpm, lowers chance of miscarriage by 75%. We quickly met with Dr.Cooper and she set me up for a ultrasound in 2 weeks. She just wants to watch me closely and make my worry lessened. She said that if in 2 weeks the heartbeat is still strong and things look good, we will more than likely carry to term. I am only think positive thoughts and thinking of our future!! Here is a little pic of or baby, or blob at this point!

Eggshells

The days seem to be creeping by at a snails pace. Why is it that every other woman's pregnancy flies by and mine stands still.Everyday seems like a mall victory! Everyday I get closer to my goal of seeing the baby and seeing a heartbeat. I think that once I physically see that flicker I will ease up. I do have some positive things on my side: I feel pregnant! Last time I felt pregnant for a few days and then felt normal. I chalked that up to "every pregnancy is different", and "be happy your not sick"! Well this one is the total opposite! I haven't been sick but definitely feel a little woozy throughout the day. The big symptom I have is FATIGUE! It has struck with a vengeance! I have so much energy in the morning but come 3-4pm I cant get off the couch. I was soooo tired yesterday and had to pee so bad that I seriously contemplated peeing on a towel just so I didn't have to get up!! Hahahah! Don't worry, it crossed my mind, but what kind of example would I be setting for my girls! I am still going to the gym but moderating my workouts and keeping my heart rate low. its tough for someone that only feels a workout consists of total fatigue and being on the verge of puking after every workout. This is tough. I went for blood work this past Monday and got my results:

Hcg-5,275
progesterone-10.1

Both levels are great according to Dr. Cooper. The nurse however said she thought my Progesterone was a tad low. Thanks for the worry!! one more thing for me to stress out about. The Dr. reassured me that all my levels are right where they should be. We went ahead and scheduled my first appointment. i will go next Friday the 13th! How fitting!!! A sono, blood work and meeting with Dr. cooper are all in the agenda. I cant wait to see a heartbeat!! I will be 7 weeks, and I know you can see a flicker by then. i am still nervous, since my last experience with an ultrasound did not go well. I will update as soon as I can. I cant wait to start this journey and take you all along with me!

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New York, New York

I have since recovered from our long trip to New York. We arrived on Tuesday July 13Th and from then on it was go go go! Going to NY always makes me feel refreshed and whole again. Living out here in Kansas I don't have a single family member, at times it can get very lonely. Especially when I see or hear of my friends always getting together with their families. It does however make me appreciate my Parents and sister so much more and to also cherish every moment we DO spend together.

We had a blast, we went to the children's museum, the rose gardens, spa day(my favorite), Lake Placid, had a huge BBQ. When it came time for the dreaded flight home I sulked all day. Wes saw how sad I was and went ahead and extended my trip by a whole week. What a husband!! The girls and I were able to spend 7 more days with my parents and sister. During that time we went to the horse races, the park, played in the pool, and spent many hours just enjoying one another. We plan on returning in December for my sisters College graduation so it wont be too long before I see them again. I will leave ya with some pics from our trip!!







And a little souvenir we took home with us...



More details to come in the following weeks!! We are thrilled!
*****disclosure***** we have not told all our family or friends yet, waiting for my first appt! So please no Facebook comments or anything else. I just had to tell my blogger buddies:-)

My baby is 3

It's so crazy how time seems to slip right out from under us! i remember being pregnant with Ava and it seeming like it would never end, then In the blink of an eye your there in the delivery room holding your precious baby! the days and weeks seem to go by in nano seconds when you have a newborn, you are constantly waiting for the millstones, the first smile, the first time they roll over,laughing, crawling, standing, walking. That first year is a blur, thank god for photos and video! Now here we are about to begin 3 yr old preschool. Ava seems very wise for her age, she speaks so well, and actually listens and understands emotion! I owe alot of her advancement to her big sister. Elise is always helping Ava with games, and answers her in their own "sister language". Ava is our more subdued, quiet one that seems to sit back and observe. But don't let her quiet disposition fool you, she can play just as hard if not harder than most! The two seem to compliment each other so well. Elise is very strong willed, independent, active, and great at solving problems. Ava is the thinker, the voice of reason, she also will ask for help when needed. The two of them are the perfect pair. Many people ask if they are twins, they are 19 mos apart and look so alike. Ava is almost as tall as her big sister, so I can see why people would think that. I especially get asked that at the grocery store when they are riding in the cart!
We had a great little party this past weekend, and Ava got a big girl bike, which unbenonced to her has a busted front tire, so we will have to return it when we get home form NY. We leave for NY tomorrow and I couldn't be more excited. After my miscarriage I have been craving a vacation. I want to be with my parents and sister, and surround myself with people that care about me! We are having a huge BBQ bash for Ava and basically a family reunion this Saturday. Family is coming form all over the east coast, so I am just totally excited! I cant wait to see everyone! The day we are supposed to return( 7-21)I will be 12 dpo which mean test time! I ovulated this past Saturday, right during Ava's party, go figure! so Hopefully we will have some good news to share soon. If not, onto next month, I have learned that it will happen when its supposed to and no matter how bad I obsess or how many tests I take its still all up to God. well, i better get to packing! I will leave ya with some pics of Ava's birthday!

Busy, busy, BUSY!

At this rate summer is going to zip right by us! It's already the end of June! So much going on, we have trips and birthdays, reunions, showers, weddings, parties, the list is endless! I finally joined a gym and quickly have become a gym rat! I love working out and better yet, the girls love the daycare center!! We go to the pool every afternoon and my girls are the brownest, blondest babes on the planet!! We are lovin life right now!! We have to start planning miss Ava's birthday party, I want to have it done before we head out to NY! We are
going to the annual Lenexa BBQ this weekend!! Always a good time. It's so fun running into old highschool friends and catching up! 4th of July we are spending with my girlfriend Candace. She lives on an awesome farm and we plan on camping and bonfires and fireworks, I can't wait!!! After the fourth is ava's bday, and the next week is NY! So much going on, but all of it is making this summer one to remember! I am also taking advantage in hoping that this will be the last summer without a new baby. Hopefully by this time next year we can have a new addition! But I have really put all my faith and trust into god to present us with that gift when he sees fit!! I am updating from my phone and of course it's about to die, so until next time... Enjoy your summer!! Xoxoxoxox

One month

It will be exactly one month tommorow since we had our loss. In all honesty it feels so much longer. I'm not quite sure if that's a good thing or not. Don't get me wrong, I still have my days of despair and depression but I do believe my heart is healed. I don't understand why it happened and I never will, but it did happen and I've made my peace with that. I have a feeling my cycles are going to be racked out for a while and wes and I both agreed we would just relax and let things happen on their own. No more drugs, no more charting just good ole fashioned loving;)! We leave for NY in a few weeks and couldn't be more excited! I can't wait to spend time with my family, I sure need a dose of normalcy!