Therapy

It has been a week since our loss. I physically am back 100%, emotionally in on my way. I went through some episodes of depression last week, anger, and on the days I felt good I felt guilty for feeling that way. Everyone says they are surprised with how well I'm doing, those comments confuse me. Should I be more upset? Should I not be able to get out of bed? I don't want everyone to think that I have moved on and forgotten because I haven't! This week I would have been counting down to my first ob appt, now Friday will just be Friday. The house work is still a struggle, I just don't want to clean or do the laundry. The girls have been sleeping in random clothes for bed and I have stuck with the comfy sweats and fuzzy socks all week.

After 3 days of "take out" dinning I decided to take control. I gathered up a bunch of ingredients and got to work. 2 hours later I had dinner for the next 3 nights prepared! I was rather excited with my accomplishments and seeing Wes's expression when I told him I cooked was priceless. I made Chicken Divan( my childhood favorite) it's a creamy chicken and broccoli casserole served over rice. I made spinach and mushroom manicotti, and chicken,mole tamale casserole. It was so nice to be able to relax and bot have to worry about, what's for dinner?? Saturday opened up a whole new can of worms. I had experienced the tranquility of cooking and wanted to return to my "happy place"! I decided to go all in! We invited a friend over for dinner and I knew I had to impress.

Here is my menu:
Bruschetta with roasted tomato and garlic.
Field greens with bacon and goat cheese, citrus vinaigrette
Muscles Josephine( steamed muscles in a wine, tomato broth)
gnocchi with tomato vodka sauce

I knew it was a large endeavour but also knew that the bigger the task, the longer I had making it, therefore the better I would feel. I pour myself a big glass of Shiraz and got to work. I prepped all the east stuff, salad, bacon, onions, peeled potatoes...
Gnocchi would be the most time consuming so while the potatoes boiled I got everything else ready. Gnocchi are basically a potato dumplings. You mash potatoes and add egg, and flour. You then roll the dough into little strips and cut into half inch pieces. You then roll that dough down the back of a fork and plop into simmering water. They cook for about a minute and you remove and shock in ice water. I was covered in flour, but loving it! I made 2 pounds of the little boogers! They are very dense and filling so paired with the other dinner items it worked!! I tossed the gnocchi in a vodka sauce and they were amazing!! The girls just ate and ate!!
The muscles are a favorite of wes and I! We had them for the first time on our anniversary at the Bone Fish Grill. I went home and began trying to imitate the recipe, I do think I have just about got it. The muscles steam open in a tomato, red onion, garlic broth. The secret ingredient is Sambucca( anise flavored liquor). When the shells pop open the add there own broth to the pot. We always dunk crusty bread in the bottom of our bowls!! What a magnificent meal! Our friend was overly impressed and we all had a great time eating and laughing! I believe that I found my therapy! Do what makes you happy! I enjoy cooking, I especially enjoy seeing others enjoy my cooking! Happy cooking everybody!!

Rain

The rain had been steadily falling now for days. I am almost glad that the sun isn't shining and the birds aren't chirping. It makes me feel better that I can sit inside and curl up on the couch without feeling the guilt of not being out in the sunshine. I know I sound down and dark but that's where I'm at right now. It's been two days now since our loss and the physical pain has subsided but the emotional pain has now fully set in.

I spoke with my Dr today and let me just say, I am so blessed to have a Dr. that is so caring and empithetic to her paitents. My HCG count was low (200) and that was before I even passed everything so i am assuming they have fallen even more. I will go back next week for a follow up blood draw to see where my levels are at.

The emotional part of this is very deep. I have never in my life felt this low. I find myself crying for absoloutly no reason. I could be hanging my clothes up in my closet and just fall to my knees in tears. I am trying my best to put on my "mommy" face and go through our day with as much normalcy as possible. It's so hard to fix a peanut butter sandwhich when all I want to do is crawl into bed and cry. I have also found myself very aggitated. The tiniest things are setting me off. I realize that my hormones are playing a huge role in my highs and lows and I know that once they stabalize I will also. Many women have said that after hearing my story it brought them right back to they're "dark" day. This really made me understand that this is something that will never go away. I will be reminded of this in weeks, months, years down the road. This was my baby, a baby I would have loved. A baby my girls would have called there brother or sister. Nothing will replace this void in my heart. It will take time to get through this and I realize that even though I can't see the big picture right now, there is one! I just have to place my faith in God to get me through.

I have always loved the rain, but I have never loved it more than I have this week.

Loss...

I will make this as short as possible as I an having difficulty even writing. Today I had a miscarriage. I never announced my pregnancy publicly and I think subconsiously now I know why. I was 6 weeks and 4 days. I began spotting on Saturday night and by this morning it had turned from pale pink to deep red. I knew what was happening but called the Dr anyway. She had me come in for a sono and it only showed a 4 week sac, no baby, no heartbeat, an empty sac. I walked through my front door and the cramping started, I am in quite alot of pain, not just physically but emotionally. Hopefully the worst is over and the cramping will subside. I just can't believe this is happening to me. It has taken me 10 months to get this baby and now your taking it! Why??? So Many questions that will never be answered. Well, the world still turns so onward I go. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better.

The Sunshine State

We just returned home from our week long trip to Florida! Needless to say, we had an absolute BLAST!!! Everyone is tan and somewhat relaxed now. Now only if the girls would stop begging me to take them to the pool everyday. Our's will not be open for another 3 weeks!

We left early for Ft.Meyers on Saturday morning, 4:15 to be exact!!! We got checked in and waited for the announcement to board. The lady came on the speaker and informed us that due to weather in Atlanta we would be delayed until Atlanta airport reopened! OK, no big deal, oh wait, we have a connection that would have regularly only granted us 30 minutes to transfers planes! Yikes! Hopefully since the airport was completely closed that would mean that our other flight would be delayed as well. We finally boarded the plane 2 hours later than scheduled. We were seated all together in the rear, and off we went! I will spare you the horrible details of the traumatic plane ride! My knuckles were a shade of white I never want to see again! Luckily the girls slept through it all! We landed,( THANK THE LORD ), and ran to see if our flight had already left. Yup, missed it by and hour and a half! UGH!!! We were sent to Customer Service and there they gave us our options:
A. Wait until the next flight to Ft.Meyer at 6:15 arriving at 8

B.Fly into Sarasota and rent a car and drive 1.5 hours to Ft.Meyers.

We cussed and discussed, the kids were so antsy so we decided there was no way we could survive 7 hours in this airport. Sarasota here we come. We left on the 2:15 flight, which was also delayed due to lack of a pilot, SERIOUSLY????? 2 Hours later we made it to Sarasota were we rented a minivan and headed to Wes's Parents house! We arrived there around 6:30, should have been there by noon that day but oh well, cant control these things! We had a great visit, the girls swam in there pool, we ate seafood like it was going out of style and we went out on they re boat and saw dolphins! It was so nice to relax and enjoy the warm air, and not have to worry about cleaning the house or laundry, or what to make for dinner!







We left Ft. Meyer on Tuesday, and headed to Orlando to go meet Mickey Mouse!!! We got to our hotel around 12:00, got checked in and boarded a shuttle to take us to the magic kingdom! We got to the park around 2, and off we went. We stood in lines in the blazing sun, for most of the rides, but all the waiting and aggravated kids were worth it! We went on every ride except the roller coasters, it was a very tiring day! We stayed for the light parade and the fireworks that closed the park at 10. the girls were beat, the slept the whole ride back tot eh hotel and didn't even wake when we changed them into their jammies! What a fun day!!







After Disney we headed to our final destination down the street at the JW Marriott. Let me tell ya, it was A MAZ ING!!!! Wes had his meeting during the days and the girls and I would go to the pool and hang! They had 7 different pools that were all connected by 1.5 mile lazy river, need I say more?? in the evening we would go to the receptions with Wes for dinner. It was an absolutely amazing trip, i loved every part of it, and even though it was a nightmare getting there, it was well worth it!