The rain had been steadily falling now for days. I am almost glad that the sun isn't shining and the birds aren't chirping. It makes me feel better that I can sit inside and curl up on the couch without feeling the guilt of not being out in the sunshine. I know I sound down and dark but that's where I'm at right now. It's been two days now since our loss and the physical pain has subsided but the emotional pain has now fully set in.
I spoke with my Dr today and let me just say, I am so blessed to have a Dr. that is so caring and empithetic to her paitents. My HCG count was low (200) and that was before I even passed everything so i am assuming they have fallen even more. I will go back next week for a follow up blood draw to see where my levels are at.
The emotional part of this is very deep. I have never in my life felt this low. I find myself crying for absoloutly no reason. I could be hanging my clothes up in my closet and just fall to my knees in tears. I am trying my best to put on my "mommy" face and go through our day with as much normalcy as possible. It's so hard to fix a peanut butter sandwhich when all I want to do is crawl into bed and cry. I have also found myself very aggitated. The tiniest things are setting me off. I realize that my hormones are playing a huge role in my highs and lows and I know that once they stabalize I will also. Many women have said that after hearing my story it brought them right back to they're "dark" day. This really made me understand that this is something that will never go away. I will be reminded of this in weeks, months, years down the road. This was my baby, a baby I would have loved. A baby my girls would have called there brother or sister. Nothing will replace this void in my heart. It will take time to get through this and I realize that even though I can't see the big picture right now, there is one! I just have to place my faith in God to get me through.
I have always loved the rain, but I have never loved it more than I have this week.